It was 8:29 pm.
I had been lying on my stomach for nearly 3 hours, eyes glued to the 4 inch touch screen persistently updating with enlightenment, anger, politics, family memories, reationship updates, marriages, babies, cat videos, opinionated articles, celebrities, countdowns, elections, advertising, angst and anger, elation and self discovery.
I was feeling sick.
The newsfeed was plentiful; over stuffing my psyche with evidence that every other person in my virtual social circle had discovered the secret of getting one’s shit together and survive, happily, in their existence… Thrive, even.
Still, I waited for the red bubble to rack in more and more notifications like a fiend anticipates her next fix. “Please, someone validate my significance.”, I silently prayed. I couldn’t stop.
Behind the heavily edited filters, flattering selfie angles and vague photographs of foliage coupled with inspirational passages to convince everyone that choosing happiness is truly the easy solution you’ve been ignoring…. I was beginning to fall apart.
The tool I was using to distract myself from the parts of life that has become unlivable, shoved my face deeper into the failure shit pile with which I had recklessly stained my early twenties….
I had my 1000+ “friends” completely fooled into believing my fabricated success, beauty, wisdom and precocious self assurence. With each ring of a new like, comment or momentary white heart covering my 4 inch gate to human connection, I sank deeper into my blanketed security that clouded my perception of love.
I knew my friends because I had spent hours with them, laughing over the same jokes, admiring their wedding photos, watching their kids grow up, celebrating tenor successes and mourning their losses as if they were my own. We discussed politics, remembered old times together….
When my express train toward all encompassing success and happiness began to derail, the true image bleeding though the filters, the unflattering ripples and pudges forcing themselves around even the sharpest angles…. I was eliminated, filtered out of the newsfeed. My quarter-life crisis was not pretty, there was no meme for it, it wasn’t going viral; I wasn’t going to “share” it, because no one cared.
My current status: hanging on by a last fringing thread. Feeling: half-past over it.
I had become a master both on my physical and online life in convincing everyone of my complete, unwaiviering control of my life…. And now I was in far too deep.
The truth was, I had been in a year long downward spiral of discovering the harshest reality:
….to be continued.