Deconstructed Devotional of
Delusion Desire Denial.
1-12-16. 9 am. Jonas has left piles of snow to my waist on the unplowed streets. We sit in the only open coffee shop. Alone.
I adore you. All of you. Is all I can dribble out in a sad attempt to find words for this feeling of elation I have just sitting across from you. It’s too soon to fully dive myself into more permanent exclamations, and I have not yet mastered the language well enough to describe feelings that seem bigger than myself.
I forget to introduce you, not because I am ashamed of you… but because I feel like I’ve always known you.
“Who, him? What do you mean, you don’t know him? He is the extension of me. This man is the physicalization of my heart, body, mind. My place of wonder, dreams, contentment. My heart song. My euphoria. My eureka! My realization. My change… I’ve known him all my life.”
…or part of me has. A part of me that has awoken at last.
I have never felt so full. There was always something missing before…
Rarely have I had the pleasure of sitting in complete contentment. I am spoiled by you. I want for nothing. I am not worried, anxious, troubled.
I am here.
Present in the presence of this present I have been given by you.
Bathing in an ocean of gratitude. Nourished in the light of you. The sight of you. “I’m happy just to be with you”, The Beatles chirp in my music box of my mind.
The highlight of my days require no plans or actions, but the freedom of just being with you. Just. BE-ing. Human BE-ing. Sitting in the moment, and enjoying it fully. Seeing color for the first time. Appreciating the love that surrounds me, in everything that we see… you’ve awaken my spirit, you’re my teacher…my guide… my yogi…my savior. I worship you. I could build monuments in your honor.
This future icon of a man. This inspiration. Even the morning son can’t resist kissing your face as you search for your next move in the window revealing mother nature, now blanketed in snow… resting. Anticipating. Your face relaxed. Gorgeous eyes focused on something I can’t see. I want to trace and retrace the lines of your face until my entire body can recite you by heart.
Oh, my heart. She never stood a chance.
How this inspiration can find inspiration in the incomparable waking hours of downtown. The sun only seems more divinely delicious when reflected in your eyes.
I’ve seen the future. My words fail me as I try to describe how alive you make me feel… as if I’ve never known what it is to live until this moment.
I am amazed by how captivated I am sitting across from you at this coffee shop; watching you work. Your creativity sparking with the light of new life in your deep mocha eyes and flowing, uncontrollably (overflowing?) from your fingers as you furiously scribble onto sheets of recycled paper…old invoices, correspondence, venues, contracts…
I love the process. Of you. My favorite is watching the wheels turn. My heart flutters. You leave me for a moment, your mind retreating to a realm in which your dreams are realized and brilliance is born. You take ownership of your deserved success. I’ve never believed in someone so undoubtably. I am taken by the profile across from me, like the oil painting portraits of great men collected and circulated in our history books, protected and displayed in the best museums. I want to study you.
You look out the window for a moment as you go on this journey. I can’t help being caught, entranced by you. This gorgeous profile of a man changing the world. Your eyes reflect the sunlight as she, in turn, highlights the intricacies of your face as if carved by Michael Angelo himself. You are a work of art. Worthy of the heavens.
You are as focused as a soldier going into battle. Fearless as the undefeated commander. Passionate as the patriot. I believe in the cause; in you. I faithfully march to your war drums.
Back and forth, like crashing waves resolving themselves onto shore, you switch from your accelerated writing, hardly keeping up with the speed of thought, then returning to the still, calm waters of deep thought. I feel honored to witness the sacred ritual of creation. You’re brilliant. Your process. Your limitless power. Your active creation of success.
But more than anything. I continue to be floored by this sight before me, evoking both uncontrollable desire/lust and overflowing, ever-grateful adoration.
…I didn’t know this would be our last time together. I protested when you asked me to leave. I supported you endlessly. I don’t understand what you mean when you say I deserve what you can’t give. I didn’t ask for it.
….To Be Continued….