Hey.

I cleaned today. I know you always pointed out what a mess this apartment was.

And I always brushed it off with some excuse. Blame.

But never myself.

I washed the sheets. Towels, Old t-shirts and oversized jackets.

Once.

Twice.

So they won’t smell like you anymore.

I changed the bedding, fluffed the pillows, flipped the mattress.

Tried to fill in the space you left behind.’till there was no evidence, no imprint of the side you once claimed as your own.

I washed all the dishes. Same meal for weeks now. T.V dinners, Ice Cream, Self sabotage, a side of depression.

I threw out the beer bottles and bourbon bottles in an attempt to drown out your voice… but my guilt is boyant, floating —just—-above—-the surface.

I took my first deep breath, lips surrounding the colorful opening of an old pipe. Take the edge off.

It’s an Rx, you know

….for the pain?

Everything tingles and my eyes only have to be half open. My life apathy now reflected outward.

I texted.

No answer.

I swept the floor, retracing and erasing footprints left behind as I helplessly trailed behind you.

You showed me tenderness, gratitude, beauty in the simple things. I never stood a chance.

Tired. Thirsty. I took a break, threw a jacket over my three-day worn pajamas, braced myself for the wind chill and walked a block and a half to Pete’s.

It was the first time I’d been outside all week. The sun was already down.

Good.

 

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November Notations

Everything came easy to her when she tried, even with shameful lack of effort.

Maybe that’s why she made things so hard on herself.

She needed obstacles to justify why she wasn’t going anywhere.

Self sabotage is the ultimate excuse without a source, veiled in disguise.


You always had it, it was always yours. This is bullshit and you know it. It’s your own doing.

STOP. IT.

Nothing is permanent.

Terrifying and Freeing.

Freedom is scary.

Without limits, you might just see

How powerful you are.


She kept telling me she wasn’t ready for a relationship

But what I heard was,

“I’m not ready to let you love me.”

Because if I loved her, she’d have to believe it.

Which means, she’d have to love those things about her, too.

She’d have to see the truth in it.

And why she was so worthy of a man who wanted to repay his gratitude

To her worth.

She was out of his league…

But she was so lost in self-doubt

She walk toward any light

Never noticing that they were merely

Reflecting her radiance.

Fashion

We buy clothes, ’cause they’re cool.

10 years later, replace our wardrobe, to stay relevant.

20 years later, a hipster stumbles upon your acid wash jeans at a thrift shop.

It’s cool again.

Buy 20 year old clothes for twice the amount, because they’re cool.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.