K-2

I used to be so loyal when I was younger

Before I learned litigation, justification

Ways to to out-logic emotion as chemical reactions

Variables, products of circumstances.

There will be others, it’ll feel the same

“The one” is only ‘the one” the stuck around

Or “the one” you haven’t replaced yet.

…With a new smile, new distraction

A new body beneath you.

I used to let my heart love fully

Devotedly, hopelessly

I handed it over willingly,

Without hesitation

Into their hands.

I let it be ripped from end to end.

I told them, “This is yours”

And let the new owner care

Without intervention

But even animals

Are protected from neglection.

I used to dream limitlessly

of the future. Of “us” together

Whomever was the flavor

Or new trending lover.

Playing on an endless loop in my head

My pulse keeping time.

– I took my heart out of storage today.

Blew off the collected dust and criticism.

It had atrophied, calcified

The color faded, optimism dried

There were several pieces missing,

Some hung by merely a string.

It was covered in graffiti.

Names of various unknown claiming territory.

Raised scars, discolored and tender.

It was damaged, lost worth

Outdated, undesired

Beyond repair.

-He said, “Give that to me”

And carried the heart carefully

Gently, both hands cradling

The way one tends to a small bird with broken wings.

I can’t remember how to fly…

I told him he didn’t want it

That he’d hardly known me a week-

 

…To be continued….

 

Winter’s Coming.

I’m already bored. I’ve become just “there”…

Something you’ve become used to, taken for granted.

Predictable.

It’s normal. It’s tasteless. It’s forced.

It’s disappointing.

I’m just “there”, sucking up the air by your said to make you feel less

on the outside.

I’m starving.


When they’ve forgotten the years I’ve littered Earth

You could always mark the time

By the string of men I’ve played and hurt.


They couldn’t be together if they had to be themselves.


I think you love me because I’m the only one left standing.

While your dreams were burning, they fled your shelter. Now I stand in the ashes of your foundation.

Believing in you wholeheartedly. Waiting for our next step. Loving you when you think there is nothing left to love.

It isn’t me you love… there just isn’t anyone else around.


She said to me, “I can’t be with someone who doesn’t believe in God.”

I told her I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t have Faith.


 She never felt loved, because she never believed she was worth loving.


I don’t love him. I don’t think I love anyone. But it felt nice to pretend for a night… that I could be one of these “nice” girls… with boyfriends, instagrams and families… Something precious, innocent and sweet. Something worth protecting.

I played my part well; the naive, the blameless, the victim, the pure… I covered my scares in a flowing white dress, I said words of love and affirmation with convincing tamber, as if fore the first time. I tightened as he entered me, telling him, “It’s been so long”, “I never do this” “No one has ever been this big, this good, this ___”. 

Meanwhile praying he hadn’t kept count of the Magnums in the drawer, or noticed a golden wrapper catching the moonlight in my trashcan.

Sometimes I feel like that trashcan.