Despair

June 23, 2017 – It’s a Friday, my favorite day of the week…. an ending, and a beginning. 


I sit stuck in my own excrement, frozen in fear. It is dark, cold, damp here.

A Cave, built over thousands of years with weakly fallen tears… expanding and dissolving into this infinite dark.

I’ve tried to escape. My moral compass is defiant, refusing to settle… She rotates ceaselessly and I am reeling. “EVOLUTION”, I titled my clumsy dance. “Maturity”, I laughed. “A revolution!”, I cried when I turned to the jagged cave wall painted a phoenix:

with the venom I’d spat, I painted her golden frame, with tears I’d spilled, I softened soil for a strong foundation that held impermeable walls surrounding her, I painted her eyes with blood spilled in my sparring with those I’d confided in, I detailed every feather with vomit triggered by my fear of failure, or perhaps my power.

Oh, my phoenix. My self portrait. My false idol of strength, self realization and wisdom. She spread her wings at the entrance of my escape attempt…

… but I had been making circles. She mocked me as I landed in her ash once again…. weeks, months, year-long journeys in search of Light led me back to her feet

Every.

Fucking.

Time.

Just as the jolt of adrenaline hit my bloodstream with a taste of fresh air-

-here I return. Defeated.

It smells here. Like Death.

No, not decomposition. Not rot. But the thick, suffocating scent of stagnant air. Like a dirty palm covering my mouth and nose, my lungs labor to earn life.

Here. This is where my motivation, creativity and inspiration go to die; a graveyard for dreams.

It’s good to be home,

tucked safely in the arms of Ego, lulled to sleep by the enchanting melodies of self-doubt.

 

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